Beat The Expert

There were some technical difficulties getting Beat the Experts online this week. Sorry for the delay.
Matt Hughes
J-E News Editor

THE REAL GURU

It was another stellar performance last week from our talented “BTE” pickers as three of ya plowed into the end zone with 9-1 scores. But the only extra point was booted by Jorge ‘Billy Bob’ Tauil with his near-perfect tie-breaking total to hold off veterans Doug ‘Double D’ Dennis and George ‘can we run by the nearest Walmart and pick up some more golf balls, I seem to be missing a few’ Pirtle.It was the first career ‘BTE’ victory for ‘Billy Bob’, who spends most of the day counting his money and cataloging his baseball cards at his plush bank office in Madisonville. A crisp new ‘BTE’ tee will now be hanging on his wall ... after FDIC and Equal Housing Lender approval.

‘Expert’ Greg ‘Ninja’ Pirtle continues his red-hot streak, also checking in with a 9-1. He’s like a fine wine ... old and hard to get the cork removed without some type of opener ... but he continues to be impressive. (I’m thinking less cork and more easy-spin caps would help.) But hey, ‘Ninja’s sterling performances have earned him the right to carry the Olympic torch for the upcoming Winter Games. In colorful but slightly too tight warm-up suit, ‘Ninja’ jogged through the streets of Robards headed north. Crap, the flame went out ... no problem ... a little old lady near Niagara (not the Falls) whipped out a cig lighter and ‘hooked him up’. Last seen at sporting goods store buying new kicks ... those Hot Wheels flip-flops not gettin the job done.

Leading the pack of 8-2 players we see Braves chief Mack ‘the Knife’ chopping away. Returned for a road trip to ATL with a shiny new ‘compression meat apron’ that squeezes in all the right places. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in about 32 states, but not at Townsend’s Monster Foods and Bus Stop. SKEETER ALERT! Steveo ‘Skeeter’ Duncan still sitting in the parking lot responding to text about what to pick up for supper. Dang smart phone keeps auto-correcting everything he types. Also, mistakenly hit wrong app during the process and Boston Butt takes on a whole new meaning once connected to the world-wide-web.

Virginia ‘Southern Belle’ Gibson also baked an 8-2 pie as did Bobby ‘Tank’ Gibson (no penalty flags for second week in a row ... you’re learning), Phillip ‘Hot Tub’ Teer who’s on another road trip despite the fact that he had a little problem over the weekend. Forgot to duct tape his cooler ... water standing in the floorboard of his luxury rental ... had to stop and purchase hip waders. But never fear, that genius switch is always in the “ON” position ... grabbed his super-spy phone, called and purchased auto floodplain insurance package before returning rental. They owe him $76 and FEMA grant.

Donations are needed for Kent ‘Muscles’ Boswell who also turned in an 8-2 despite the fact that he’s leading the “politically-correct’ charge to change the Redskins name to the Scoundrels ... but with a disclaimer. Each member of Congress would have to suit-up for punt and kickoff teams each and every Sunday. No helmets needed ... they’re already concussed so no health insurance needed! Hey and speaking of insurance, did you know that because of the gov shutdown ... Nancy Pelosi will have to keep the same face for the entire year. Yikes!!! That could never happen ... why, why, why ... that would be like Obama not being signed-up for ObamaCare. That’s impossable, right?

One last 8-2 player, Clay ‘Wedding Bell Blues’ Thornberry. Missed last week, started his pre-nuptials crash diet ... chicken strips and chicken nuggets ... along with his first spray-tan session. He will be buffed-and-shined come May.

Those finding seven correct picks harder than a 9-year-old eluding the TSA include Jacob ‘the Ole Ball Coach’ Knight, Keith ‘I taught Billy Bob everything he knows’ Cartwright, along with ‘Guest Expert’ David ‘Miguel’ Brown and ‘Expert’ Angie ‘Bam Bam’ Peercy. (Secret weapon needs to reload).

‘The Brain’ went to therapy about his dismal year and 6-4 pickins’ ... didn’t realize they were going to talk him to death. All he could do was count the bristles on the his newly-purchased Dr. Phil hair brush.

Ralphie ... hey ‘D1’ Sharp, what the heck happened. 5-5. Come out of the dark room bro.

8-of-10 doctors agree that our final player needs a full check-up. Aaron ‘Cougar Tamer’ Teer tumbled to 4-6 and is just now realizing that the air was way too thin at the top of Mount ‘BTE’. The former winner blames his demise on a sip of soured milk remaining in the fridge ... “oh snap ... was that the milk jug or the 13-year-old mayo jar I drank from”. Hey, when you only got two choices, you might get a little sickey. Dude, go to the grocery ... buy some food and maybe a can of Pledge to tidy up the place a bit. And don’t be a hater cause the game has passed you by.

Get those picks in kids, week 7 is here. Call 667-2068 or email:chust@journalenterprise.com

Week #7 games

Ft. Campbell @ Paducah Tilgh.

Louisville Male @ St. Xavier

Florida @ LSU

Oregon @ Washington

South Carolina @ Arkansas

Detroit @ Cleveland

Cincinnati @ Buffalo

St. Louis @ Houston

Arizona @ San Francisco

tiebreaker:

Northwestern @ Wisconsin