THE REAL GURU
It was a fitting end to the 30-year run for ‘Beat the Expert’s as “BTE” veteran Keith ‘Storm Chaser’ Cartwright sounded the gavel on two other 7-3 players to earn the title of the ‘Grand Championship’ winner. ‘Storm Chaser’ delivered a near-perfect tie-breaking score (34-14) to hold off two-time winner Jorge ‘Billy Bob’ Tauil along with George ‘the Legend’ Pirtle.
“Your honor, may I approach the bench!”
“Absolutely Council ... what can I do for ya!
“If it pleases the court, I wish to close out the proceedings by designating ‘Storm Chaser’ with the ‘Franchise Tag’ for ‘BTE’!”
‘Motion accepted ... court is adjourned!”
Well lookie here, we even spy ‘the Brain’ closing out his 30-year stint on the panel with a 7-3. He retired with a grin, knowing that although Greg ‘Ninja’ Pirtle clipped him for the ‘Experts’ title for the second straight year with the overall best record, he finished with a flourish. ‘The Brain’ can sit back, relax and enjoy his golden years ... fighting the child-proof tops on his med collection and trying to figure out how to enroll in PutinCare! (He’s opted for the MotherRussia version ... better dental plan plus plenty of ammo for his AK47 in case death panel rules against him in a couple of years).
As for long-time ‘Expert’ Greg ‘Ninja’ Pirtle ... just another week of pickin winners and waiting for his mac-and-cheese at the Robards truck stop. His 6-4 card paved the way for Phillip ‘Hot Tub’ Teer and Charlie ‘Atomic Bomb’ Hust with their season-ending 6-4 slates. Last we heard, ‘Hot Tub’ was inking a deal for home improvement reality TV show ... featuring singing, dancing, comedy routines and info-mercials ... all while he’s talking on the phone and baby sitting. He’ll be in stylish PJ’s the entire time ... kinda reminds you of Hef and his robe ... only his 1982 sweatshirt/pajama top has a torn spot or two and a few stains ... but hey, don’t worry ... the laundry room is back together and washing machine running as we speak.
Charlie ‘A-Bomb’ will just retire to his comfy sofa, cheer on his fantasy football squad while memorizing the fun facts on the back of the cereal boxes.
It’s a shame you have to close out you’re career as half-and-halfer ... but that’s the tatoo painted on Bobby ‘Tank’ Gibson, David ‘Miguel’ Brown (luke warm Latino heat), Virgina ‘Southern Belle’ Gibson along with ‘Guest Expert’ Clay ‘Weddin’ Bell Blues’ Thornberry. Yo Mo ... good luck on the upcoming nup-jewels (is that how you say that) ... may the force be with you. We predict a long happy marriage with a couple of little Mo’s in the future ... we’ll all them Camo and Flauge ... and especially after your new book hits the streets ... “137 Ways to Eat Chicken Without Any Dipping Sauces”. Will be a best-seller as promoted by JustMoveItorLoseIt.org.
Let’s not forget our last 5-5 player ... our little ‘Expert’ buddy from Dixonville ... Mack ‘the Knife’ Townsend. What a great pickin’ career ‘Knife’ but it’s time to move on. Maybe politics ... you’d be a shoo-in ... the gift of gab and the way you swoon the ladies and kiss the babies ... or is it the other way around ... that always confuses me! And hey, good luck with your new venture NASCart ... that’s right, ‘Knife’ along with his trusted sidekick Steveo ‘Skeeter’ Duncan will “start their engines” this Saturday in the inagural Dixon 500 Modified Shopping Cart Racing Series. Once both have ear hairs trimmed so high-tech helmets will fit ... the checkered flag collection will begin. Right now, only two carts have entered ... Alan ‘Terminator’ Vaughn has his buggie tuned-up like the space shuttle ... but we know the event will have more entries. Free bologna/cheese/hot sauce sandwiches for first and second place. “Sweet!”
Hate to say it, but we still got some players ... 4-6 participation medals were handed out to ‘Expert’ Angie ‘Bam Bam’ Peercy (she just fired her secret weapon), Ralphie ‘D1’ Sharp along with Kent ‘Muscles’ Boswell (he started a new career this week ... writing and singing those catchy little tunes for law firms. Nothing like the tap-your-feet, snap-your-fingers sounds when you need a settlement for an accident because the idiot that hit you didn’t have insurance).
Also at 4-6 our little Lone Star Stud ... Aaron ‘Cougar Tamer’ Teer. Nice finish taterhead. Glad to hear you rejected free agent status and re-signed ... plunger and a mop duty keeps this world running.
3-7, tough year for Doug ‘Double D’ Dennis. Didn’t make the winner’s circle this season.
Well kids, it’s time to close the books on ‘Beat the Experts’. It’s been a long and glorious ride. Many, many thanks to all the “good sports” out there who kept sending in their picks ... no matter how much we talked about ya. Thanks for not filing slander lawsuits and showing up at ‘BTE’ World Headquarters to “kick booty”! A special thanks to our ‘Expert’s’ panel ... ‘Ninja’, ‘the Knife’, ‘Bam Bam’ ... couldn’t have done it without ya.
This little gig began 30 years ago with a few games and a brief recap. Then an ole boy, who has sinced passed, sent in an entry with a cool nick-name “Alley Cat”. Each week, ‘Alley Cat’ came-a-calling and eventually won the prize. What the heck, everybody needs a nick-name now ... and the rest is history. Will never forget all the funny emails, calls and good-natured ‘ribbing’ ... at both ends.
Again ... many, many thanks for all the fun! You’re my people!!!!!
Later!