THE REAL GURU
Ouch! Like trying to pry your cell phone out of your skinny jeans (and I’m wearing some right now), week 3 of “BTE” was skin-tight at the top of the heap. 7-3! That’s right, 7-3 was the winner and we had two players ‘butt dial’ that plateau. Maybe we all need an upgrade.
Charlie ‘Atomic Bomb’ Hust, who was edged by one point for the win last week, returned the favor in Week ‘trece’ by nipping Jorge ‘Billy Bob’ Tauil by one point for the tie-breaking victory. Those were the only 7-3’s of the week. I’m tellin’ ya, the tie-breaking scores were tighter than Bruce Jenner’s forehead.
Falling quicker than the Oklahoma $tate athletic director’s job was a crowd of 6-4 players. They all went ‘no-huddle’ this week which meant ‘hurry up and lose’. “Help me” says Bobby ‘Tank’ Gibson, Clay ‘Wedding Bell Blues’ Thornberry, Virginia ‘Southern Belle’ Gibson, Ralph ‘D1’ Sharp, George ‘the Legend’ Pirtle and Anthony Weiner’s hero ... the man from which the Carlos Danger image emerged ... Kent ‘Muscles’ Boswell. Did you know that all of his designer suits are reinforced in all the right spots for the active lifestyle. Comes in handy when he’s on the dance floor workin it ... yikes, didn’t know anybody did the vogue and robot these days.
Also looking under the 6-4 hood were all four ‘Experts’. ‘Ninja’ Pirtle last seen counseling Joe Flacco on how tough his life is gonna be for a couple of years after missing the birth of ‘Baby Flac’ (sounds like a dish at the diner ... “I’ll have an order of Baby Flacs and a orange soda!). ‘Bam Bam’ turned to the ‘Red Zone’ for help but he can’t give an upgrade because of his two-year contract. ‘The Brain’ sees his house of cards crumbling in the final year of “BTE”.
As for ‘the Knife’ ... has been distraught since the glue of the bunch, Steve ‘Skeeter’ Duncan left for “Muthaa Russsiaa’ to take care of Barry O’s light work ... aka as Vladamir. ‘Skeeter’ arrived in style ... displaying his martial arts skills as soon as he hit Moscow! “I’m gonna Putin you in the hospital!” he exclaimed to KGB-types. Oh crap, a mix-up with his travel bag ... instead of his snazzy karate suit ... he only packed his white terry-cloth robe. Yo ‘Skeeter’, not sure the terry-c is gonna cover everything that needs to be covered once you start kickin’ and punchin. I’m thinking a stylish Hillary pant suit (of course with elastic waistband) would have a more sensible ensemble, keeps everything all tucked-in while touring with all the babes with bad teeth. But of course, what difference does it make.
Now ya see why ‘the Knife’ is on the high-fiber diet ... he has a lot of crap to deal with at the Townsend Food and Tatoo Parlor.
Leading the 5-5 pack was ‘Guest Expert’ Aaron ‘Cougar Tamer’ Teer (by the way, I’m not sure that one-direction hair cut will look good with your new ‘BTE’ T). Lots of yelping like a little puppy dog from ‘CT’ last week about his Week 2 win. Sorry man, your little Texas spurs are not quite sharp or shiny enough to provide an above average weekly effort. You look tired, you need a nap!
Also half-and-half was Keith ‘Storm Chaser’ Cartwright, and a golf stud that was recently traded from the Univerity of Phoenix to be the new QB for the Jaxville Jags ... Phillip ‘Hot Tub’ Teer. Scratch that, ‘Hot Tub’ on injured reserve list ... helmet-to-helmet hit with Betty Jo over remodeling project ... possible concussion ... will probably have to wear protective headgear at all times ... even on the driving range.
No running game and receivers with cold hands ... that’s the scouting report on David ‘Miguel’ Brown and his meek little 4-6 card. Tough first week for former champ ... maybe a cup of coffee and Coach Gruden autographed key chain will help this week.
Week #4 is ready to kickoff ... remember to drink plenty of water and eat your veggies! You don’t have a choice!
Get those picks in. Call 667-2068 or email:chust@journalenterprise.com
Daviess Co. @ Muhlenberg Co.
Owensboro @ Ohio County
Union County @ Trigg County
Auburn @ LSU
Michigan State @ Notre Dame
Detroit @ Washington
Atlanta @ Miami
Houston @ Baltimore
Buffalo @ NY Jets
Kansas State @ Texas