Shazaam! With tortilla chips pasted to his forehead, hot sauce behind the ears and a hint of guacamole on his breath, Aaron ‘Cougar Tamer’ Teer finally awoke from his stressful 2-hour fantasy football draft to join us on week 2. And like the professional ‘snot-rocketeer’ that he his, he blasted his way to the top with an 8-2 ballot and a slim one-point, tie-breaker win over two other 8-2 players.
‘Cougar Tamer’ spurred his way past Keith ‘Storm Chaser’ Cartwright and Charlie ‘Atomic Bomb’ Hust for the win and his very own 30th Anniversary BTE “T”, officially signed by ‘the Brain’. (‘CT’ requested that special touch). He will also receive a free auto detailing, as soon as he removes all of his clothes, 6 1/2 golf clubs and three boxes of fish fillets confiscated from his “Big Daddy Hush Puppy” era.
‘Cougar Tamer’ now has bragging right in the talented Teer clan and with all the pressure of winning set aside, he can now enjoy his new gig ... touring with Miley ‘Lizard Tongue’ Cyrus. He’ll be the new guy in the striped suit, taking the place of Robin Thicke ... under the stage name of Rubbin’ Thin. A couple of stage dances with her and the skin-tight suit will be the least of his worries. (By the way, is it just me ... does she have the voice of a truck driver!) Hey ‘Coug’ ... remember my motto ... “JUST SAY NO” to #1 foam fingers ... unless properly sanitized!
As for ‘Storm Chaser’ ... currently working a deal to represent the rest of the Cyrus family for their ‘pain and suffering’. I thought we all went through enough of that with ‘achey-breakey heart’ debacle. ‘Atomic Bomb’ retired to his computer after the disappointing news ... simply hit the send button for that farmers only web site.
And speaking of “twerking” ... we spy little Greg “Ninja’ Pirtle continuing his hot start with an 8-2 booty shake. Those new yoga pants are really doing the trick.
Clearing waivers and moving to the 7-3 practice squad were Virginia ‘Southern Belle’ Gibson, David ‘does this shirt make my hands look small’ Brown, Bobby ‘Tank’ Gibson and the Harbough brother nobody talks about Phillip ‘Hot Tub’ Teer. (Life will be tough for ole ‘Hot Tub’ for a few weeks. Gotta listen to all that noise from ‘Cougar’ plus he realized that during his recent kitchen remodeling project that the toaster, blender and can opener just don’t match the tile. Gotta buy all new gadgets $$$$!)
Hitting week #2 in mostly pedestrian fashion with 6-4 picks were Doug ‘Double D’ Dennis, George ‘the Legend’ Pirtle and Mike ‘the Marshall’ Johnson (making a guest appearance from his mega-yacht on Kentucky Lake). Also a secret transmission from Kent ‘Muscles’ Boswell, taking time to play our game, even though he’s been traveling with Dennis ‘I think my brain has been pierced’ Rodman as special assistant during his recent trips to Seven Flags over North Korea Fun Park. Couple of rounds of golf, shootin’ hoops and playing cards with Kim Jong Hu (eieio) ... all in a days work, trying to save the world and maybe snagging a book deal and nifty designer watch along the way.
“Experts Angie ‘Bam Bam’ Peercy and ‘the Brain’ also checked in at 6-4. “Ain’t nobody got time for 6-4” noted ‘Bam Bam’ while ‘the Brain’ was last seen headed to Colorado to secure some Marji-Mucil hoping to jump-start his season. For medical use only of course.
Hitting that mental brick wall which is “BTE” ... we see ‘Guest Expert’ Ralph ‘D1’ Sharp, Jorge ‘Billy Bob’ Tauil and Mack ‘the Knife’ Townsend. Hey, give ‘the Knife’ a break. He’s very busy preparing for the first annual Townsend Food Center and Cultural Arts Museum 5K Run slated for Saturday. That’s right ... 873 laps around the building with scheduled water stations (as soon as ‘Knife’ gets the water hose untangled from under the A/C unit) on every 50th lap. And as a special treat, Steve ‘Skeeter’ Duncan will lead the pack at the start as the ‘rabbit’. For those of you who are not familiar with big-time racing — a ‘rabbit’ jumps to the front of the pack and sets a very face pace for the leaders to follow. The rabbit then ‘peals off’ and lets the racers take over for the remainder of the race. So during the Townsend 5K ... ‘Skeeter’ will be the ‘rabbit’. But you’ve never heard that line before. At the starter’s gun, ‘Skeeter’ will sprint from the front door, around the side of the building and exit the race into the side door. Immediately head to the frozen food department were trainers will begin the cool down process. Lot’s of attention for one man, you say ... hush your mouth ... after all ... he is the ‘Duke of Dixon”.
Week 3 looks to be tougher than Willie Nelson stepping off his tour bus. Good luck, and remember ... as always ... at “BTE”, you receive free Wi-Fi and free refills.
Get those picks in. Call 667-2068 or email:chust@journalenterprise.com
BTE Week #3 games:
Cov. Catholic @ Henderson
Danville @ Corbin
Christian Co. @ Ft. Campbell
Troy @ Arkansas State
UCLA @ Nebraska
Alabama @ Texas A&M
Dallas @ Kansas City
Minnesota @ Chicago
San Diego @ Philadelphia
tiebreaker:
Denver @ NY Giants